I love you whole…

Original Post: 09/03/2015

My sister also spoke about her own journey, and after the service many people came up to us and explained how helpful it was, not only in understanding dads death but also understanding depression in others, themselves, and it gave them strength. This was not something we anticipated, however we were overjoyed to have had such a positive response out of a hard situation. 

For that reason, I would like to share with you what I said that day. The first section, is about my Dad in general, before moving on to discussing the depression and his battle, and the importance of talking about it. Feel free to skip, scan, what ever you please, but I do feel in reading the whole of it, you will get a better sense of my dad and his battle. I hope in doing this, I raise more awareness, help remove the taboo and also make you chuckle in the fond memories I have of my wonderful father.

David Rose – My dad.

As soon as I arrived back in England from Ibiza a few weeks ago, I rang Dad thinking I would be funny. As soon as I heard him answer I shouted ‘DID YOU MISS ME?!’.

Dad’s reply was ‘ Oh I didn’t know you had left’ If there was a way to hear smirks down the phone, I’m sure there would have been a huge one!

This was Dad. His humor. His smirk. It was such a huge part of what made him him!

I decided early on that I felt I needed to speak today, but what do you say? How can you summarize thousands of days, memories, conversations, and experiences? And more importantly how do you express what a profound effect someone had on your life, who meant the world to not only me but all of you here.

This is why I start with his humor. All of us here will have memories of Dads varying forms of humor;

There was classic Dad jokes.

We had an ongoing joke involving Sunday roasts and gravy, when we were little, Dad would pour our gravy for us, and he would always ask where we wanted it poured; We would say ‘All over please’  and Dads reply was ‘ all over your head?!’ Que a smirk from Dad and a unanimous groan. In years to come, this joke was repeated so many times we began to answer ‘ all over but not my head’ in order to avoid the joke!!

Of course there was the risque, and rude humor that he would find hilarious, jokes about certain day to day necessities and ‘Carry on type films’. These jokes were generally accompanied with someone saying ‘DAVID!’

And there was the inappropriate laughing, something I’m afraid I have inherited, so please do not be shocked if I suddenly burst out laughing uncontrollably. Dad had the ability to begin to laugh at the most inappropriate of times and not be able to stop! At my last play he saw,  Mum, Mike and Abby were some what horrified to report to me that at one point, when they were in a small room with an actor who was receiving an upsetting letter, Dad was in hysterics! Countless times, Dad and I had to be separated by mum at church for laughing too much! My fondest memory of this was the carol service one year during silent night, so when you hear it this year, have a chuckle on us!

He also had his childish humor, he could spend hours playing with his nieces and nephews and the great nieces and nephews, winding them up, making them laugh, Uncle David, the Joker! It was always lovely seeing how he was with my little cousins, knowing it wasn’t that long ago that it was me and my sister and brother he was running after, making us laugh and most definitely winding us up!!

Dad was Family man through and through.

Not many people can say they found the person they would marry at 12 and 13! It was a privilege to grow up in a household with two parents that undoubtedly loved each other and were a united front, not many people get the chance to see that let alone be a part of it.

Dad had come a long way from the little boy who had to walk on the curb so his girlfriend did not tower over him! Mum and dad found each other so early on and it worked so well, it genuinely did, and thank goodness , otherwise Mike Abigail and myself wouldn’t be here today having had an amazing share in his life.

And we are so very lucky to have had him as our dad. We have known our whole lives how much we meant to him, I love you has always been said within our family.

In fact, when I was little, I was the kid that religiously went into Mum and Dads room at night, I went straight to sleep but every night I would crawl in between mum and dad. Dad used to hug me and say I love you to bits. Well I would insist that he shouldn’t love me to bits, he should love me whole!!

We have grown up with the most supportive, loving parents, they both supported us in what paths we have chosen, and although we wish dad could have stayed with us forever, he molded us into the adults we are today, and I know that if I could be half the parent Dad was, then my children will be very lucky,

Now don’t get me wrong, dad could drive us all up the wall! He seemed to find ‘winding-up’ very high on his list of dad to dos, and on his son, brother, uncle, husband and every list he had. (We’re back to that smirk again!)

Dad was most certainly human, stubborn, shy and frustrating but he would have done anything for anyone, his parents, his siblings, his nephews and nieces, friends,  you all meant the world to him. Having a close knit extended family is wonderful to be a part of and Dad relished in his role in this family. He was gentle, caring and would be the first to offer a helping hand, he really would do anything. This I know as a fact. A few weeks ago I was snuggled up to my dad on the sofa, he was snoozing, and I was watching TV. There’s a car advert on at the moment that has the song I’d do anything. It came on and Dad started taping my arm along to the music. At the time it made me jump out of my skin and of course Dad smirked a lot. But in that moment Dad was letting me know that he really meant the words that he was hearing in that song, a song he would have sung along to a thousand times in his life. Which is why you will hear the song later in the service, please imagine dad tapping you on the arm, meaning every word, because he did, even in his illness.

It is important that we acknowledge the Illness that took Dad. Depression and anxiety. For a lot of you, I know that on hearing Dad had taken his life, there would been a lot of whys, how could he, he didn’t seem that bad, which are all valid thoughts, but for myself, and mum, mike, Abby, we only had if onlys, because we knew why. We saw a different person at home. For the last 9 months, dad had been existing. It was a special moment for us when we saw what we would call ‘glimpses of dad’ again, because that’s all they were. glimpses.

At a recent family party, we saw Dad in a way we hadn’t for a very very long time, and we are glad so many of our family got to see that too. He danced (might I add I got him shaking his booty to Jason Derulo’s Wiggle), and he sang, (something he had stopped even doing at home). Growing up we all thought it was quite normal to burst into song around the house, and you only had to mention a song and Dad would be singing the 4 lines he knew over and over again! It was wonderful, but sadly it was an extreme exception from what Dads day to day life had become. He had all the support and love and professional help anyone could ask for, but for Dad it felt like a terminal illness, constant suffering in which he could not see the light. The depression made him struggle to get out of bed, and even to sit in the same room as his children at times, which healthy Dad would be distraught about.

The smile you see in this picture is one I had forgotten existed. He was very unwell, and although we knew he would have got  better, Dad could not see it himself.

Although we never thought it would come to this, but we saw the daily struggle, we saw the cloud that would come over him, and everyday he would wake up saying, ‘I don’t know how to do this’. Unfortunately depression can only be beaten by the individual, we would spend hours talking to dad, trying to help him see, but Dad was somewhat like a broken record, in this vicious circle that only he could break out of. In that moment, it wasn’t David Rose, husband, father, son, brother, uncle, great uncle, joker, hard worker, royal pain in the bum, singer, napper, eater, It was the depression, an Illness, that Dad died of. He is no longer suffering from it, he will be happy forever, forever free from sorrow and grief.

1 in 4 people suffer from depression. The pews in this church seat 6, so with that statistic , at least one person per row represents this is. Depression does not have to be terminal, and in the majority of cases it is not. As with any illness, there are varying degrees of depression, and Dads was particularly bad. Later my sister, Abigail is going to share some of her own personal experiences with battling depression and anxiety as it is so important to also remember that people do overcome it and learn to survive. As a family we have made a pact that depression will not take a hold of us in the same way as it did with Dad. For me personally, raising awareness is very important. I  believe in understanding the illness and talking about it. We can stop it being a taboo, which was a big issue for Dad. There is no shame in depression, if all of us leave here today with a greater understanding, a resolved to find out more, and to help remove the stigma that is still attached to all mental illnesses even in a small way, then we may be able help someone to not get as ill as Dad. And that is a victory,

In Dads death we must find the positive. Instead of dwelling of the times we wont have with Dad, remember all the times we did have. He is still with us, chuckling with us when we should be solemn, smirking when we think of something he would find funny, and tapping i’d do anything on our shoulder when we could do with that little bit of extra strength. It is in talking, remembering, reminiscing, and opening our hearts to each other that Dad will live on, sharing in our trials and tribulations. We all love you whole Dad, keep smirking down on us, I’m really sorry you had to go, we all miss you such a lot but thank you for blessing us with the time we had with you, our hero.

• 

• 

•