A,B or C?

Original Post: 22/04/2016

Tom breaks his leg and is on crutches. He can go to school but his injury makes it hard to get around and carry his stuff and parts of school are much harder to negotiate. Stairs are super tough but with the right support he can do it and will eventually be able to do it on  his own again, after the right therapy and healing. Now as Tom’s best friend you want to be there for him so you carry his bag, help him get to class, and generally do anything you can to help your best mate out.

Of course Tom really appreciates it, but the pain and exhaustion from his injury is pretty consuming. But you’re his best mate right, and that’s what best mates do. A couple of days in and you are really noticing the toll of carrying both your and Tom’s backpack, it’s taking an hour getting from A to B when it normal take 20 minutes. When you get home you ache from taking his weight to help him get up the stairs and you are finding it hard to be motivated to do school work because actually it’s pretty exhausting helping Tom.

You lay on your bed thinking, What can I do? It’s not Tom’s fault his leg is broken. I’m lucky, I don’t have a broken leg. But this is all getting too much for you to do, even though Tom’s your best bud.

So you realise you have 3 options,

A) carry on until either Tom is better or you can no longer help him because you have made yourself ill with exhaustion and you’re body can’t take the strain.

B) You decided enough is enough and tell Tom you can’t help any more, it’s not fair on you.

C) You sit down with Tom and be honest that it is hard to help him all on your own and try and spread the help across other friends, teachers and see if there’s any help the school can give you to make both of your jobs easier.

“SOPHIE?!” I hear you cry… “We haven’t heard from you for months, It’s depression awareness week and you are talking about Tom and his broken leg?!”

OKAY people hold onto your hats for this one (or umbrella’s as that’s far more fitting for the weather i’m currently staring at while writing this!) and bare with me!

The last time you heard from me was the 1st anniversary of my Dad’s death, and it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions since and I’ve struggled to find the right words to write a blog that is worth a read. For ages I’ve wanted to write a piece that is about something possibly less talked about than depression itself, the people supporting those with mental illness. Now I need to tread carefully. As I write I aim not to alienate those who suffer with mental illness or cause guilt or close them off further, infact I want to open a conversation that I think is integral to the awareness of mental illness and us moving forward together to help fight it, so please, read patiently.

Back to your best friend Tom.

I have extremely over simplified supporting someone with mental illness by using this childhood metaphor but I felt it was the clearest way to get straight to the point of what I want to say.

A recurring thought process, scenario and feeling for people fighting mental illness is loneliness, a sense of loss, support coming and going. I found this image earlier that sums up the situation I am referring too **I cannot seem to make it any bigger, if you click on it you should be able to read it **

Tough read isn’t it. But it is an all too familiar situation. So let’s talk about it.

As Tom’s best friend, we all know that option C) is clearly the best option but sadly in life we don’t always see it so clearly. Supporting people with mental illnesses is one of the toughest jobs in the world. I’ve been close to people in varying degrees, as a friend, as a best friend, as a daughter and a carer. Particularly with my Dad, it was so hard to watch. I felt powerless, nothing seemed to help, I loved him and a darkness was eating away at him. And I’ve seen it take over friends lives and leave a path of destruction that I’ve struggled to clean up.

And now for the scary bit.

There were times I was so mad at them. I was so mad at my Dad. I was so hurt by things he said. I was exhausted by having the same conversations every single days. I was tired by trying to pull him along, get him out of bed each day. I was fed up of people tell me ‘oh he doesn’t seem too bad’ because he was able to put his mask on when he saw them after me spending 3 hours to get him out of the house. I’ve learnt that is actually wasn’t my Dad I was mad at. It was the illness and what it was doing to him.

Luckily with my Dad we had a strong support network so it didn’t all fall to me but I’ve also cared for people suffering who haven’t had such a support network and that is hard.

Basically what I am saying is, as someone who has cared for people with mental illnesses but not suffered myself ;

IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK ALL THE TIME!

It’s ok to find it tough. It’s ok to not always know what to do or say and It’s ok to feel lost in an illness that is so so so hard to understand.

But instead of either A) carry on until either Tom is better or you can no longer help him because you have made yourself ill with exhaustion and you’re body can’t take the strain or B)You decided enough is enough and tell Tom you can’t help anymore, it’s not fair on you.

It’s so important that we C) You sit down with Tom and be honest that it is hard to help him all on your own and try and spread the help across other friends, teachers and see if there’s any help the school can give you to make both of your jobs easier.

You don’t even have to speak to the person, especially if you think it will only add to their struggle but look for help for yourself aswell, talk to people, find support, ask for help, look on MIND’s website. When I was supporting a friend I actually went to counselling myself, only for a couple of sessions but it really helped me to open my eyes, find coping methods and just clear my own mind.

Hopefully by sharing mine and my family’s story, and talking about this side of the illness we can help create better support networks for people who have mental illnesses so they never ever have too feel like everyone has given up on them and feel so alone.

 So read, share, talk and let’s switch the light on mental illness!

Thank you,

Sophie